Inspiration and Courage

I will readily admit that I'm a yellow-bellied coward. If something looks too dangerous, I will hold back and worry like Chuckie Finster (I may be a red-head but I'm not a ginger, damnit) until someone else takes the Tommy Pickles stance and goes forth to show that it's OK.

But once someone has brought the candle into the darkness, I'm right behind them w/ my own light, picking out my own path. I'm not sure if it's needing someone to show me the way, or if I'm just out of matches.

My practice would not have taken off like it did if not for other people. People like Ms. Graveyard Dirt, Sarah Lawless, Dver at A Forest Door, and others. If I hadn't read their blogs and experiences and seen that "Hey, it's OK to be the non-fluffy Witch that you've always wanted to be, but never knew if it was such a good idea! You can't learn everything from books, so here's some ideas on what you can do with your knowledge! Get inspired and blaze your own path like they did!"

And so I realized it was OK to have unconventional methods, that using my action figures and various stuffed dolls as spirit vessels didn't make me utterly nuts, that entheogens DO have a place in magic, and learning to use them is a way to progress my work.

I listened, I learned, and then I took that knowledge and applied it to my own brand of Witchcraft. And things have taken off like crazy! I had the confidence to follow my gut and feel validated b/c other people were following theirs, writing about it, and they seemed to be having an amazing time of it. I have them to thank for re-lighting the Candle of Inspiration in my life!

Thank you, all of you wonderful Mages, Witches, Seer's, Spiritworkers, whatever you call yourselves, for all that you have done and continue to do! (Seeing Ms. Dirty's Dress made me realize that I had similar materials and patterns at home, and if she can make her own dress, so can I!)

Cleaning up the Ashes

SO yeah, 2 days after I wrote my last post here, my entire world went Krakatoa.

I truly wish I were exaggerating, but for legal reasons, that's all I can say publicly w/o my attorney present.

So now, about a month later, I'm by myself in the apartment, except for Luggy (the rabbit) and Achilles, (the cat). I'll know by Tuesday if I'll be moving on July 1st, and then it's just letting the current landlords know that I'll be getting the hell out of here asap.

In the midst of turmoil and heartbreak and all that happy confusing horseshit, I've been shown just what a fool I was played for.

I have some of the BEST Friends and Family one could ask for! My parents have been my sheltering port in teh storm my entire life, and have truly shown me what unconditional love is all about. Nothing I could ever do (or have done) could make them love me any less.

My TRUE Friends, those who have been there for me at my highs and lows, and who have offered me safe sanctuary and company, even those who live hundreds of miles away, have made themselves invaluable to me. They are my Second Family :)

And during all of this, my Guides and Guardians have made themselves VERY well known and actively communicating with me. I have a few more names and several *smack forehead* moments added to my lists and journals. Some of which I'll eventually transcribe here, once I know Who is comfortable w/ me addressing Them in this medium. Odin has no trouble with it, but the Others are still a little wary. The last time i tried explaining my beliefs to people using my own connections and associations, i was utterly shunned, ridiculed, and tormented for my beliefs. Enough so that it took nearly 8 years for me to be OK w/ Them again, and to realize that my associations weren't wrong, but they were Right for Me.

I have become the Hermit, although not entirely by choice, and so I must learn to enjoy the Solitude, and not get bogged down in the Loneliness.

After sweeping up the ashes of my volcanic life-change, I'm finally starting to see some of the pretty sunsets thru the clouds.

A failure and a new beginning

B and I are done.

He's dating Lu.

I was a fool to think polyamory could last when the primary relationship was built on sand.

I kicked him out, but for financial reason, i've allowed Lu to stay here.

Until I have at least 2 of the 3 things needed things to move ( Place to go, a job in that area, and the money to finance things) I'm stuck here, biding my time.

I've never been more physically lonely and yet surrounded by 'friendly' faces.

I've been surrounded by my Spirit Guides and friends, my Gods, and my Guardian Angel has finally revealed Himself to me in full form (I still can't believe how dense I can be sometimes. I mean, come on, I've always said Michealangelo was my Guardian, but never would allow myself to actually BELIEVE in Angels. What better way to appeal to the staunch agnostic than to take the form of her favorite Turtle.)

Therapy on Monday will mark the ending of one of the LONGEST weeks of my life... I've cried more times in the last week than I have in a year. The only things keeping me going are WoW (which I finally got into after many years of avoiding it), and the multitude of occult studies I'm now free to indulge in at my leisure. I just don't know where to start.

My heart is still broken, but the bleeding has slowed, the pieces have been gathered up, and carefully wrapped in gauze.